


Starting Over

by Matril



Category: The Autobiography of Jane Eyre
Genre: F/M, Loved the ending, This is how I'm going to deal with AOJE withdrawal, apparently, but I want moooore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-05 19:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1828801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Matril/pseuds/Matril
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of those offscreen conversations and moments that might have happened between Jane and Rochester after their reunion. Inspired by passages from the original novel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That Very Odd Sense of Humor

He still had his sense of humor. 

In spite of all Grace’s assurances, Jane had to wonder if he might have lost that part of himself after all he’d gone through. But that worry flitted away as soon as he glanced at her and said, “So you weren’t a hallucination after all. Unless…maybe I’m still hallucinating.” 

“I’m pretty sure I’m real,” she said, leaning into him just enough for a little nudge. 

Rochester returned the nudge. “But that’s exactly what a hallucination would say, isn’t it?”

She laughed. “Fair enough. I kind of know the feeling. When the lawyer called me a few months ago to tell me I’d inherited a fortune from an uncle I’d never met, I couldn’t believe it was real. I spent the next few hours expecting to wake up from a bizarre dream.”

“Actually, that was very helpful. Hallucinations are never that specific. This might be real after all.” He looked at her, eyes twinkling, and she felt a surge of happiness, of hope, of possibilities. “Jane, would you like some tea? I’ve gotten pretty good at making it.”

“Tea would be lovely.” She led the way inside from the balcony, picking up her camera as they passed by it. It was strange, but nice, how she no longer felt anxious and untethered without its support. 

He winced a little as he hobbled to the kitchen, and she had to ask, “Are you all right? If you need to rest, I can make the tea.”

“No, I’m fine. It’s just these stupid things.” He waggled one of the crutches. “They keep grinding into the palms of my hands. I can’t wait to be done with them.”

She leaned against the kitchen counter. “How much longer?”

“Well,” he lifted the leg with the brace, “this should come off in another week or two, but I’ll probably still need the crutches until I’m used to walking again.” He put the kettle on, made his way to the cabinet and took out two mugs before turning back to Jane with a serious face. “Listen…I just…I really don’t want you to feel like I need to be waited on. Like I’m helpless, or need a nursemaid or something. I’m okay, Jane. You have…more important things to do.”

“There’s nothing shameful in needing help every now and then,” she said quietly. “As long as you’re trying, in turn, to be helpful wherever you can.”

“Yeah.” Rochester cleared his throat. She could see the gloom that had overtaken him briefly on the balcony, threatening to rise up again. “Honestly, Jane, it’s kind of hard to see what good I can do right now. With…with Thornfield gone and everything falling apart, you know…other than being there for Adele, I’m not sure I’m useful for much of anything.”

Jane straightened and looked him square in the eye. “Being there for your daughter is the most important thing anyone could do. So there, I’ve already determined that you’re going to be very useful.” She took a breath and said more softly, “I know that feeling, though. Wondering if you don’t have a single useful skill to contribute to society. You have to fight your way through it. You’ll find a way out.”

His smile was wistful. With a shrug he returned to the tea preparation, silent and thoughtful. Jane watched him, noting with appreciation the practiced motions of his hands. He hadn’t quite reached her level of tea-making proficiency – it would take years to achieve that – but it was still admirable.

“It’s not polite to stare, Jane,” he said suddenly, startling her into laughter. He was offering her a mug. She took it quickly before he lost his one-handed balance on the crutches. “I guess it’s pretty mesmerizing, in a gruesome kind of way,” he went on, indicating the bandage and the not-quite-healed scars on his face.

“Oh, yes,” Jane replied as he took up his own mug and took a sip. “You were always gruesomely mesmerizing.”

Rochester spat tea all over the counter. Jane laughed until tears came to her eyes.

They finished their tea in companionable silence to avoid any further spills. When she finally set down her empty mug, Jane glanced at the clock and realized how much time had passed. “Oh, I have to go. Sorry…I have a meeting across town. But I was hoping I could stop by later on, when Adele gets back from school.”

“You would?” She saw the flicker of surprised relief across his eyes, and her heart suddenly ached for all the abandonments he had suffered, all the people who made him believe no one ever stayed forever. True, sometimes it was his fault, and it didn’t excuse the mistakes he had made, but she wanted him to trust again. And she wanted to trust him too. One step at a time.


	2. A Fresh Start

They took it slow. She came to visit every day, but at first, most of the time she spent with Rochester was also with Adele. The three of them did a lot of fun, silly things together, playing games and cooking treats in the kitchen. Adele thoroughly trounced both of them in Trivial Pursuit, which pleased her father more than if he had won himself. Jane loved watching the two of them together. It stirred up feelings that needed to be voiced, but she wasn’t sure how to approach the issue without rushing things. And if she had learned anything at all from their failed engagement, it was that rushing things was a very, very bad idea.

She found a beginning one evening after Adele had gone to sleep. Jane had brought along her camera that day to take a few portraits of Adele with her new hairstyle. Now they sat together on the sofa as Rochester scrolled through the photos, his eyes gazing warmly at each shot of Adele’s beaming face. When he was finished he handed the camera back to Jane and said, “Have you filmed this week’s video yet?”

“No…” She looked at the camera and up again. “It’s odd. I’ve set it up a few times, but I just can’t find anything to talk about.” _Because I have you to talk to instead_ , she thought to herself. _And Diana and Mary and Grace and Suzanna, but especially you._

“You know how much I’ve always admired your videos, Jane,” he said. “But it’s totally up to you whether you want to keep putting all that time and work into them.”

Jane gave him a sideways look. “Did you actually watch all of them? Including the ones after I left?” Now they were venturing into serious territory, but she felt the time had come.

“I watched them religiously,” he said without hesitation. “Maybe it was masochistic or maybe it was selfish, but how else could I know you were okay?”

Jane let her hand slide over his.

He swallowed. “That first week, when there were no videos, I went nearly crazy with worry. Just the thought of you out there alone – maybe hurt – or homeless – or dead.” He was shaking a little. “I’m so sorry. It’s not like anything I suffered compares to what you were going through.”

“It’s okay. You can apologize for what you did wrong. But you don’t have to apologize for feeling hurt or worried. We both hurt each other,” her hand tightened around his, “and there’s no use arguing over who hurt the other more.” 

“It was me,” he said at once. “No question.”

“Probably,” she acknowledged with a sad smile. “But I’m glad my videos could reassure you a little. I kind of hoped they would.”

“They did. Those were really good people who found you.”

She nodded, aware of the hesitation behind his statement. “They’re so good,” she said. “Diana and Mary are incredible friends. I couldn’t have a better family if they were actually my sisters.” Then it was time to dig a little deeper. No more avoiding uncomfortable things. “And I’ve never known anyone as conscientious or single-minded as Simon. When he sets out to accomplish something, he gets it done, and always done well.”

Rochester had stiffened a little, though he only let out a mild “Mmm.”

“I love how their house is full of books, too,” she went on. “I even liked some of Simon’s medical textbooks. It’s pretty fascinating stuff.”

“Yeah…I saw how fascinated you were.” His eyes traveled down to where her hand rested on his. Something twitched around his mouth. “Jane. You don’t really want this, do you?”

“You mean holding your hand?” she said lightly. “I do, as a matter of fact. But if you’d rather I didn’t –”

“I mean – being back here with me. Instead of with the Rivers – instead of where you’re happy.”

“What if I’m happy in more than one place? Do I have to choose between the two?”

“No, of course not,” he said, flustered. “That’s not what I –”

“You were jealous of Simon,” she said forthrightly. 

His face went red. “Well…it doesn’t matter. This is about what you want.”

“And you think I want to be with Simon?”

“Not exactly.” He shifted restlessly. “I’m not stupid enough to assume that I know what you want – not anymore. But whatever it is, I hope you feel free to pursue it. That you don’t feel held back by any kind of – obligation. Or old feelings, you know?”

“I see.”

“And you don’t need me to tell you this, ‘cause you already know it, but you could get any guy you wanted. Or if you want, to hell with all of them. Go off and conquer the world. Just, anything you want, go out and take it.”

“Thanks,” Jane said with a smile. “I’m planning on it.”

“So…”

“What?”

Rochester looked at their hands again. “Is this still something you want?” His voice was very low. “In spite of everything?”

“Not in spite of it,” she said. “Because of it. Because I've learned I can be a complete person all by myself. Because I’ve been alone and I’ve been okay with it, but I also know that I don’t have to be alone. Because I’ve been at the very bottom, and I’ve learned how to climb my way out again.” She met his gaze and held it. “I’ve seen you at your worst too. And I’ve seen you working on getting better. There’s nothing hidden anymore. It’s better that way.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” A little smile played about her lips. “And I’m glad for Simon. He taught me a lot about myself too.”

“Like what?”

“Like what I want….and what I don’t want. I want to be valued and respected for every part of me, not just the parts that fit with someone else’s perception of me.” She looked down, feeling a little shaky herself now. It was still scary, laying her emotions bare, even when she was glad she was doing it. “I need them to respect my own will, my own choices. When I choose something, I want it to be a conscious choice coming from every part of me – heart and mind both.”

When she raised her head again, he was looking at her with an intensity and warmth that couldn’t be mistaken for anything but love. She caught her breath and told herself to wait just a little longer, to walk calmly forward instead of plunging blindly ahead. “This is what I want,” she said. “Edward. I want you and Adele to be part of my family. I want to spend time with you doing ordinary, everyday things. I would like to go on dates, which I don’t think we’ve ever done, officially.”

With a nervous chuckle he replied, “I guess not.” 

“So I’d like to give us a second chance. A better chance.”

He opened his mouth and closed it again, his eyes darting between happiness and doubt. “Do you mean it? You really want to try this?”

She gave a happy, definitive nod. “I do. Do you?” 

His nod mirrored hers. And then, only then, did she allow herself to lean forward and kiss him.

It was much better than she imagined it would be.


	3. To Always Be True

“Are you sure you’re all right, Jane?” Rochester glanced at her with a look of concern as she helped him settle onto a park bench. “You sounded pretty shaken on the phone.”

“I was,” she acknowledged, “but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It was just something I never expected to happen…and it brought back a lot of memories.” At his quizzical look, she began to relate the details of John’s phone call.

At the end of it, he could only shake his head, stunned. “Wow.” 

“Yeah.”

“I mean, the way you described him, I never would have thought – wow.”

“I know.”

After a silence he ventured, “Do you think you’ll see him in person?”

“I’m not sure. Just hearing his voice triggered a pretty intense flashback.” Her hands twisted up in her lap. “I do want to encourage him to make amends, but I have to care for myself first.”

Rochester leaned over suddenly and kissed her forehead. 

“What was that for?”

“For being so Jane-ian. ‘I want to help him, but I’m also a human being with valid needs.’ It’s perfectly _you_.”

“Thanks,” she said, blushing and laughing. “I don’t know. I’ll give it some more thought. But I have to say…in another sense, hearing from John was kind of comforting. To have him acknowledge that my feelings were valid…and to discover that even the least likely people can be capable of change, no matter what they’ve done.”

“That’s true.” 

“And in a way, I’d already forgiven him years ago. Because it wasn’t about him, it was for myself. It was about not continuing to carry the hurt he’d done to me.”

“I’ve been working on that in therapy,” he said, staring at a distant tree. “Forgiving my father...my mother…Beth.”

“And me?” she had to ask.

He chuckled wryly. “You were easy to forgive. It was a lot harder to forgive myself.” Turning to Jane, he went on, “You know, I have you to thank for a major breakthrough in my recovery. Something you said in one of your videos.”

Surprised, she asked, “What do you mean?”

“The one where you watched all the old videos with Mary. She was pretty mad at me for your sake – which, by the way, if I hadn’t already liked her, would have won me over forever. But you said I wasn’t selfish. That I had the opposite problem.”

“Oh, right. I remember.” She raised her eyebrows. “That was a epiphany for you?”

“Absolutely. I mean, I _have_ been selfish, there’s no doubt of that – but I’d never realized before how much my own self-hatred kept me from loving other people in a healthy way.” He glanced at her. “You figured that out a long time ago. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You have to start by loving yourself.”

She tucked her arm in his and leaned against his shoulder. “I might have known that truth for years, but it’s one thing to know something. It’s another thing to actually put it into practice. I’m trying. I’m much better than I used to be.”

“I’m trying too.” After a pause Rochester said quietly, “I’d never given religion a single thought…but now, I just might have to start believing in miracles.”

“How so?”

“I probably should have died in that crash, Jane. I wasn’t even buckled in. I was lying there in the wreckage and I could swear I was feeling the life just seeping out of me…and I found myself thinking, _Not now. Please not now. I might have wanted this at one point. Not anymore. I want to keep trying._ And I thought of Adele, and Grace…and you. Not that I thought you’d come running to me or anything,” he went on hoarsely, “ but I just – thought of you. Reached out for the memory of you. And even though the pain was as horrible as ever, I didn’t feel afraid anymore. Then everything went black until I woke up hours later in the hospital.”

Jane didn’t speak at first. Her thoughts were too solemn for words. She remembered the soul-searing terror of learning he was critically injured in a car crash, and the wordless prayers she had uttered for his recovery in the hours afterward. There was no clear line between mundane happenstance and divine intervention, but maybe it was all right to find a spot in the gray space between them.


	4. Endless Excitement

They had a celebratory dinner the day Rochester’s leg brace came off. Jane hosted, and invited Diana and Mary as well. She had fully expected Diana and Adele to hit it off, but it still filled her with delight to watch them settle into a discussion of an ancient civilization whose name Jane couldn’t even pronounce. 

Mary, meanwhile, was busy arranging several dishes on the kitchen counter, all of them letting off tantalizing aromas.

“I said you only needed to bring one dessert,” Jane told her with a laugh, but she wasn’t really complaining.

“Well, maybe I cook more when I’m nervous,” Mary said, not meeting her eyes. “And maybe I’m having major second thoughts about entering that competition.”

“That’s understandable.” Jane considered what to say. “But maybe being nervous is just a way of feeling excited. They’re kind of two sides of the same coin.”

“Yeah, I can dig that.” Mary took a cookie and started nibbling on it. “Anything that gets the adrenaline pumping and all that. As long as I don’t throw up the second I step onto the dance floor.”

“Okay, we’ll hope for a more graceful demonstration of adrenaline,” Jane laughed. “And no more cookies until later. We haven’t eaten dinner yet.”

Mary swallowed her bite with an exaggerated eye-roll. “Yes, mother.”

Grace stopped by while they were eating. Her business trip was taking her on an early flight the next morning and she couldn’t stay late, but she was able to offer Rochester her congratulations and give him her present – a pair of socks.

Adele gave him a pair of socks too. So did Diana and Mary.

Then, as Mary started an impromptu dance lesson with a giggling Adele and a pretending-to-be-reluctant Diana, all of them prancing around the living room, Jane settled down beside Rochester and gave him her gift. Yes, it was another pair of socks, but there was more to her present. The box also contained a new set of boots, sturdy and perfect for long walks. And a framed picture of a bird.

He examined the photograph, his eyes glistening. “It’s the one from Granville Island,” he said quietly.

Jane nodded. “And when your leg is completely healed, we’re going to have another excursion there.”

Fingering the frame of the photo, he said, “So we can try to do it right this time?”

“No….” Jane shrugged. “I think it was good the first time around. Except for maybe getting your car towed,” she added with a playful shoulder nudge.

He laughed. “All right. You can do all the driving.”

“Great. Then it’s a date.” She squeezed his hand, then got up to join Diana in a clumsy twirl across the room.

When it got so late that Adele was starting to nod off mid-sentence, they finally broke up the party. Mary, laden with empty pans and trays, grabbed hold of Jane on her way to look for Adele’s shoes and said in a confidential whisper, “Hey. I like this guy.”

Jane smiled. 

Diana joined her sister and asked, “Are we giving our approval now? Because you have mine too. Not that you _need_ anyone else’s approval –”

“But it’s nice to hear, anyway,” Jane said, and gave them both hugs. 

“Of course if he hurts you again I’ll –” Mary began, upon which Diana tugged her toward the door.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” she said cheerily. “Plausible deniability, Mary!”

Through a series of giggles, they said their good-byes and headed out the door. Jane finally discovered Adele’s shoes; one under the sofa and the other in the corner looking as if she’d kicked them there while Mary was teaching her some particularly elaborate footwork. Adele didn’t even stir as Jane tugged them back onto her feet.

“I don’t think I’m quite strong enough to carry her down to the car,” Jane said, straightening and observing her peaceful form curled up on the sofa. “But I hate to wake her.”

Rochester leaned down to kiss Adele’s forehead. “We’ll let her rest for a bit before we go.”

“Oh, that’s good.” She pulled a chair next to the sofa and sat down. “I had a question I wanted to ask you anyway.”

“Okay.” He looked curious but not particularly nervous. His anxiety had settled noticeably over the last week, and Jane was proud of him for it. 

“So…I’ve been thinking that my next video is going to be my last one.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It feels like the right time.” She took a breath. “When I started it, I was alone. And I had no idea what to do with myself. My vlog became a sort of – a sort of stand-in for what was missing in my life. Which was really helpful, and I’m glad I did it. But I’m needing it less and less now. For a lot of good reasons. Why not end on a high note?”

“Sounds very wise to me,” he replied. “But it seems like you’ve already decided. What did you want to ask me?”

“Do you want to make an appearance in it?”

He blinked and leaned back against the sofa. “Oh.” He hesitated, then said, “Do you want me to?”

She shrugged. “I have a plan for how I’m going to end the vlog. Kind of a day-in-the-life montage. And since you make regular appearances in my day-to-day life, it would be fairly natural to include you. But not essential. It’s up to you.”

“I think –” Rochester shook his head, sighing. “No. It’s better if I don’t.” He gave her a sideways glance. “You know I’ve done a lot soul-searching over the last few months. I had to revisit our relationship and figure out everything I did wrong. And the simplest way to do that was by watching your videos.”

“I guess it would be.”

“Yeah. It was pretty eye-opening.” He frowned. “I was always taking over. Invading your space. And sure, if it had really bothered you, you would have stood up for yourself, but that’s no excuse. I was your boss. I never realized how awkward a position that put you in. _I_ knew I would never fire you, but how could you know that?”

“I’m glad you can see that now,” Jane said. “But this is about a lot more than just popping into my videos now and then, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. The way I acted on your videos was like a symptom of a bigger problem.” He gave a thoughtful shrug. “I think I was also looking for some kind of validation or attention – maybe from your viewers, maybe just from you. And I need to know, for myself, that I’ve changed, that I’ve found healthier outlets. That's not even considering the public role I had as the head of a company, and we both know how I screwed that up. So…it's for the best if I just keep away from it. ”

“I can respect that.” She smiled ruefully. “Some of my viewers are very curious about you. About us. They want to hear every detail of our relationship. Which I kind of can’t blame them for, when I used to air pretty much every detail online.” She glanced at him sideways. “I think some of them are worried that I’ve gone back to an unhealthy relationship.”

He frowned, and Jane leaned over to put a hand on his knee.

“I appreciate their concern, unnecessary though it is. I could elaborate on what we’ve been through and all the talks we’ve had, but honestly – I don’t need to. I trust my ability to make my own choices. And I have a real support system now. I feel safe. Safe enough that I can keep my private life private.”

She could see the tension easing from his shoulders. She stood up and said cheerily, “Well, let’s get Adele home. You don’t mind if I get some footage of her making breakfast on Thursday? It would be a nice start for the video.”

“Not at all,” he said, taking up his crutches and getting to his feet. “Adele has a very healthy relationship with the camera.”

“Great! Oh,” Jane nudged him, “and I may insist on getting a cameo out of your socks.”

“They were always a bigger star than I was,” he said with an exaggerated pout.

They were still laughing when they woke Adele and helped her sleepily stumble outside to the car. “What’s so funny?” she asked with a yawn.

“Socks,” her father answered. 

“Socks. Okay. You two are very weird.”


	5. Of Sensations and Excitements, of Adventure

_Sometime in the indeterminate future…._

Jane was looking at the letter with a wistful smile when a knock came at the door. She set down the paper carefully and got up to answer it. 

Rochester greeted her with a wide grin. “Hi. Ready to go?”

“Just about,” she said. “Come in for a minute.”

“Okay.” He followed her to the sofa and they sat down together. “Everything all right?” he asked.

“Yes.” She took up the paper again, gently smoothing its creases. “I’ve just been thinking. I was rereading my uncle’s letter. It’s been a while since I’ve done that.”

He put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. “I’m glad you’re able to have that from him, though you deserved so much more.”

She nodded, her eyes on the letter. “It came at a time in my life when I really needed it.” She was taking her time, considering each word carefully before she spoke it. “And every time I pick it up again I feel like it gives me something new. This time…this time it confirmed something I’ve been considering for a while now.”

“What’s that?”

“Something about us. About how far we’ve come.” She put away the letter and gripped his hand. “I remember when we first got together, I was excited and happy…but there was always this sense of urgency, almost desperation. A fear that my happiness might not last. Because there was so much in my life, before then, that I had treasured and lost. I felt like I had to grab hold of this chance and get as much as I could before it was gone. That, I think, was why I agreed to get engaged right away.”

He looked at her uncertainly. “Me too. But…you don’t feel that way anymore, do you?”

“No. That fear is gone.” She gave him a reassuring smile. “Everything has been better the second time around. We talk about our problems. We work them out. We’ve taken our time. We’ve healed, on our own and together. And when I imagine the future, it’s not with fear and uncertainty. It’s with hope.”

Rochester’s eyes were wide and bright. He seemed to have at least an inkling of what she was getting at. “Jane…”

She took his hand in both of hers, grinned and said, “Let’s get married.”

He blinked and breathed in and out very fast. “Seriously?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes, yes, of course!” He laughed, giddy, and pulled her into a tight embrace. When they finally pulled apart, he brushed the hair back from her face and said softly, “You really want this?”

“For a while now, actually. But I wanted to make sure we got it right this time. You and I and Adele, we’ve worked hard at becoming a family. We’re ready. It’s time.”

“And to make absolutely sure you got it right,” he said with a smirk, “you did the proposing yourself. I’m sure you’ve had enough of lousy proposals.”

She gave him an arch look. “Yes, I have.” Turning to a business-like tone, she went on, “And you should know that I’m going to insist on certain conditions. It’s going to be a simple wedding. Just close family and friends.”

“That’s all I want anyway.” He kissed her again. “Every day I wake up thinking, _I’m the luckiest man in the world. Jane loves me._ I thought I couldn’t get luckier than that, but here I am.”

“It’s not just luck,” Jane said. “People talk about soulmates like it’s something that just kind of happens, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s two people who are willing to work hard, every day, at loving each other. Caring for each other’s needs. Being their best possible selves. As long as we both keep doing that, I think we’re going to enjoy married life very much.”

“Eloquent as always, Miss Eyre. I love you.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Rochester. I love you too. Shall we go?”

“Yeah…” He rubbed his forehead sheepishly. “I was just planning on taking you to dinner and going for a walk afterwards. I feel like the occasion calls for something more elaborate now.”

“No. That sounds perfect.” As they stood, she looped her arm through his. Then they headed outside and into their future together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well…I'm still suffering from AOJE withdrawal, but this was fun anyway. Thanks for reading!


End file.
